TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed from your putting green inside of Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But yes, confident, let's have Yet another spot exactly where American Adult men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: present Everybody a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It truly is that he really should quit using it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You realize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Great tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Area, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not merely unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A silent atrium in which visitors may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is now attracting consideration from Global investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to view a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD can have convert-down support."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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